


this is the beat of my heart

by scribblingTiresias



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: F/M, Fluff and Angst, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, M/M, Multi, Spiritual Abuse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-16
Updated: 2017-01-16
Packaged: 2018-09-18 00:00:20
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,130
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9352340
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/scribblingTiresias/pseuds/scribblingTiresias
Summary: Music is powerful. For Finn, it's not always the good kind of power.





	

"What's that you're whistling?" Rey asks. 

Finn looks up, blinks. It takes him a second to process that, yes, he _was_ whistling. It takes him another to recognise the song, and when he does, he stiffens. 

"Nothing," he says. 

Rey frowns, but doesn't say anything. She's lying underneath an X-Wing, looking up at it with her eyes narrowed. Trying to narrow down the problem, figure out what's wrong and how she can fix it.

Meanwhile, Finn wants to claw his skin off. 

"Hand me that spanner," Rey says. 

He does. She has to pry it out of his hands. 

"You all right?" She pauses, looks at him. 

He breathes in, and out, slowly, trying to shake the feeling that he's being watched. He's not. Not by anyone but Rey. Most of the Resistance people don't give a damn about him either way. 

"I. Fine," he says. "I've- I've got to use the 'fresher. Can you get BB-8-?"

"Sure." Rey nods. "- That's a good idea anyway. She's worked on these old birds before, hasn't she?" 

"Mmhm." Finn's eyes dart to one side. "If I run into her, I'll tell her." 

He makes his way to the other end of the hangar, opens the 'fresher, practically crawls inside. The door seals with a click.

Small spaces are good spaces. Finn knows no one's watching him in here, even though he can hear the buzz of the busy base just outside. The Resistance doesn't have cameras in the 'fresher. Even if they wanted to, they couldn't afford it. 

He sits on the toilet, tucks his knees into his chest, covers his face with his hands.

It was stupid. He was stupid. This wasn't anything to panic about. He'd caught himself whistling other bits of songs before, and most of them hadn't set him off. Music was fine.  

The problem was that this song was from the First Order. They played it at 'recruits' while they were still very small; it was part of the conditioning process. 

"Listen and obey," the chorus went. "Learn what the commanders say/then listen and obey."

 It was a jaunty little tune, like a military march, and it got stuck in your head like nobody's business. And finding himself humming it - he'd been out for months; blast, he'd been _awake_ for months at this point!-

Finding himself humming it was a barbed little reminder- he'd never be entirely free. The Order would always be in his head, as surely as that song was, and there was no getting it out. He was a coward and a fool and he'd be better off going back and getting shot, because he wasn't actually a person, he was a weapon on legs and there wasn't anything he could do to change that-

_Breathe, Finn._

He doesn't know if he's talking to himself or if he's remembering something Poe said or if it's the voice of the Force, but he listens. He closes his eyes, breathes in, breathes out. Tries to steady himself some. 

It works, to a point. He sits with his hands clasped and his eyes closed in that little fresher cubicle, rocking back and forth, trying to force his head and his heart to calm down.

_Just breathe._

\---

"Finn?" 

He stiffens, sits up straight as a board, before remembering that's _Poe's_ voice and that's his  _name,_ not his registration. He thinks he knew that Poe was still away- but no, the fleet came back today, he must have missed it while he was panicking. He wipes his eyes, steadies himself as much as he can.

"Yeah?" 

Poe breathes out.

"You all right?" 

Finn nods, before realising Poe can't see his face. 

"Yeah. I'm fine. Sorry." 

"It's okay. Uh- it's just about dinnertime. Rey said she's cooking again." 

"What's she trying to make?" 

"Worrt casserole."

"...Blast. Yeah, you'd better go help her. I'll be along in a sec." 

"I think you need me more right now," Poe says. And, strange enough, he means it. 

Finn stands up and opens the door. He smiles, a little sheepishly.

"Everything's - everything's fine. I mean it." 

"Well, everything will be more fine with some food in your belly." 

Finn reached out and took his hand. His thumb drifted over Poe's knuckles. 

"You sound like a grandma," he finally said. 

"Nah." Poe grinned. Warmth bubbled up inside Finn. "If I was a grandma, I'd be chasing you around shouting in Unzueta about how great it is that you have a _girlfriend_ and a _boyfriend_ and when are you going to get married, I want  _grandlings_ \--"

Finn laughed.

" --and, okay,  _then_ I'd probably start overfeeding you, but. That's not the point." 

"Families are strange," Finn said.

"You'd better get used to it, you've got one now." 

Soon enough there will be food, and it will only be a little burnt. There will be laughter, and kisses, and stories about the ridiculous adventures Poe's fallen into and out of in the last few weeks, and eventually they'll all fall asleep together in the big bed that Rey just barely managed to cram into Poe's room, and Finn will wake up with Rey's cold feet jammed into his neck and Poe's head on his stomach. 

"Yeah," Finn said. "Guess I do." 

\---

The dishes are cleared away, the hot plate's turned off. Poe's got the musicomp on, and it's playing something Finn vaguely recognises. The song's from before the Empire, bright and brassy, with a beat you could tap your foot to.

Rey is- and not only that, she's bouncing in her seat, too, side to side. 

"You want to dance with me?" Poe asks her.  

"Sure," she says. "But-" 

"Mm?" 

"How do you dance with someone?" 

He laughs. 

"Here, I'll show you." He stands up, offers her his hand. She takes it. Finn watches from the side, bobbing his head to the music. 

Poe puts his other arm around her waist and starts to move. Rey laughs.

"This feels weird," she says. 

"Good weird, or bad weird?" Poe pauses.

"Good weird." 

He leans in, kissing her gently. 

"Can I try?" Finn asks. "When you're done, I mean." 

Poe glances over, and grins. "Course you can."

He twirls Rey around, and then lets go. Finn puts his hand around Poe's waist, and takes Poe's other hand. 

"Am I doing this right?" he asks. 

"There's no wrong way to dance," Poe says. 

Finn pulls him in closer. He feels like he's shuffling around at first, as awkward as a gonk droid. But Poe knows how to move, and the music is infectious.  Soon, Finn's moving right with him, they spin and dip and twirl around the room.

Maybe this, he thinks, is what it feels like to be a planet. 

The next day, he has a new tune to whistle.

**Author's Note:**

> ...So this fic is personal. Like, very personal.   
>  I was raised Mormon. Mormonism is... well, I hesitate to call it a cult, but it's up there. And Mormonism uses music to condition and control its members from the time they're children. I've caught myself in the same situation as poor Finn, more times than once. 
> 
> The First Order song is loosely based on this: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Nz-3uWwCs-U [Which belongs to the Mormon Church, not me, I don't want it, it's garbage.] The song I imagined them dancing to is this one- https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OcknIbp-A4Y- because I am a corny old man at heart. 
> 
> Unzueta isn't a 'canon' language, but I love tumblr-user aimmyarrowshigh's headcanon [ http://earlgraytay.tumblr.com/post/155334829693/knitmeapony-aimmyarrowshigh-but-poe ] that Alderaan, Yavin 4, and assorted other planets are part of a Space Hispanic Diaspora. So naturally I had to figure out what language they spoke in Space Spain and I didn't want to go with the "obvious" answer of Alderaan.
> 
> Also I headcanon both Rey and Finn as being autistic, so ... yeah, that probably shows here.


End file.
